Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
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imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
The news
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.