Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
When he asks for feet pics
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”