every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Butt weight. There’s more!
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you