Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.