Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”