I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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