Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*