Sharon I have some bad news
You Might Also Like
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!