[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Is your wife single?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.