[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
adding to the discourse
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.