fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
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Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
you will never know the true number of layers
My five year plan is a meteorite