Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
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[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
When I laugh on my period
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”