If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.