Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
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My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Breaking news:
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.