I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
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[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
(more comics:
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
where the womens at?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.