hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
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Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.