Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
are they though??
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Not all heroes wear capes…
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated