You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
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Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Encore…
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.