Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
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I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Plant care tips
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”