Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
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Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.