[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible