HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel