putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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it was a valiant fight
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?