DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk