I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Your secret is safeish with me
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.