coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct