Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
You Might Also Like
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Good morning!
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I’ll be mad as hell!
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE