REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.