2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.