Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Carpe DM
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.