That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid