Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
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“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now