‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
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I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
U talkin 2 me?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.