Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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