Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf