I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.