Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
quarantine day 3
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.