These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.