I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
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(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
When I grow up, I want to be 16
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.