I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Care for your back
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ