Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
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“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?