Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
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I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
that wasn’t the question
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.