My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
buying dead houseplants to save time