betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.