Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
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There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
79.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.