If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
As the Lord intended
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.