*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
me and the Superbowl rn
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing