HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
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me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I need to get some bricks…
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I am yelling
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.