What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.