Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news